Love is to be shared and life is to be lived, to be experienced, to be enjoyed. It is something to wrap oneself around and hold onto as tightly as possible with every fiber of one's being while simultaneously being completely and totally wrapped up inside it
As this year comes to a close, I spent some time looking at (crying through) this blog. What a year! Upon the arrival of our little Kamryn last year no one knew she would take us on such an amazing ride. I have learned this year about faith, family, friends and prayer. Prayer increases faith, family and friends are increased by faith and prayer. Who knew the tiny 4lb 12 oz baby we brought into the world, would be a beacon back to God for so many people. As I reflect on the year I see so many God moments. He has brought us through this year together, taught us faith and fortitude. Above all he has blessed us with each other. Tonight we celebrate a new year, the last one while challenging, was a good one. I do pray that this one is better.
Romans 12:2 Do not be conformed to this world,3 but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
This Christmas Eve started out with a few tears. Not tears of sadness
or fear, but tears of joy. The child we almost lost last year was happy
and healthy. She greeted every one she saw with a quiet little "Hi".
As the day progressed and I should have been doing other things, I was
holding her a little more tightly, kissing her face a little more often
and finding joy in the coos and cuddles. It came time for Christmas pizza at our house and Kamryn got to
eat pizza. I was not fearful this year nor was I on guard and watching
her every move. Christmas Eve service was my favorite, this year we
had a 60 second moment of silence. Not a child in that room was
quiet. This brought more joy to my heart than any present, tradition or
decoration could bring. That night a year ago and for many more after that her
sounds were unheard. I could hear my own heart beat and knew that hers
was beating just as it should. On that crazy night last year Kamryn's
feet were cold, it's what finally lead us to take her to the ER. When
I changed her diaper, this time her feet were warm, pink and
perfect, and so is her heart. I know that out there somewhere is a
family who's baby gave their heart to Kamryn. My heart hurts for them,
they are missing the joys of having a new baby open presents, play in
wrapping paper, and suck on a candy cane. Today, I cry because my heart
aches for the them.
Oh, Christmas isn't just a day, it's a frame of mind... Or Heart Kris Kringle from Miracle on 34th street... This phrase was never so apparent to me as it is this Christmas. Last year, when we took Kamryn to the hospital that Christmas eve night I fully expected them to diagnose her with a cold and send her home with instructions to watch her closely. Her brother and dad had had colds, she must have gotten it from them. I knew there was a possibly that we might spend the night in the hospital. She was so tiny, and didn't have much reserve to fight a cold. But I fully expected to spend Christmas with my family. As Kamryn turned blue, before my very eyes I began to realize how sick she really was. The Dr. turned her and had her intubated before I could even get to the chair behind me. My question of, "so she is going to be hospitalized right?" was made through a broken, disbelieving heart. How could this be happening? An x-ray to confirm the placement of the intubation tube, revealed it was her heart. The next day, Christmas, an echo was run and the Drs had more bad news. Kamryn would be transported to Children's Hospital in Seattle where they could better take care of her. While we waited. for the ambulance from Children's to arrive, we hashed out a plan. Mike would go to Grammy's house and be with the kids for Christmas and I would go with Kamryn. I can say at this point I wasn't even thinking about Christmas. All I wanted was to hold all of my children, but I couldn't. It would be 2 long days before I would even see my other kids. Mike spent part of Christmas day with them and came to Seattle with tales of little boys opening gifts. He returned home for a full Christmas celebration on Tuesday at Grammy's house. Later that day, Mike called me and told me the family would be coming after dinner. He was anxious to get back to the hospital and would be coming earlier. I asked him, "What if you brought Christmas dinner to the hospital?" Dinner was packed up in rubbermaid containers and brought to the hospital. I can tell you it was the BEST Christmas dinner I have ever had. Yes, it was microwaved on paper plates in a hospital waiting room. But we were together. Charlie prayed, I will never forget his words. He prayed for Kamryn's healing, for the glory of God to be revealed, and that her story would be a witness to others of how great our God really is. All of what he prayed for has happened. Many people have said, "I can't believe this happened on Christmas." To which I've frequently replied. "It's just a day." It's the day we assume we are the magi and give each other gifts. (some if which we can't afford, and shouldn't be buying) We feast on the best and some even try to get along. To prepare we shop till we drop , or drop others. (if your a black Friday customer) We want the best deal, the prettiest wrapping paper, and the tallest tree we can scrunch in the house. Somewhere in the back of our brain we know it's the day our Savior was born. But do we really pay attention? Do we realize that without Him all of this would be just a day? So I ask you, is your heart in the right place, are you focusing on the true meaning of Christmas? Is Christ the center of your Christmas heart?
Yesterday was Kamryn's 1st Birthday. The weekend was filled with preparation for a Celebration that would take place at our church. This Celebration was to thank all the people who have been praying for our sweet baby through her first year. Thank you for all for your love and support.
As I look back on the birth of Kamryn I know God had his hand in her life from the beginning. At 4 lbs 12 oz and 18 inches long she would prove to be a fighter. Who knew that just 14 days after her birth she would be so sick as to need hospitalization. Thank you little Kamryn for teaching me about the power of prayer and a God full of grace that He would allow you to be here to celebrate your 1st Birithday.
I HATE roller coasters The up and down and side to side out of control feeling is not for me . I like my feet on the ground. My good friend Robin coaxed me onto two roller coasters. I can say I have probably had my eyes open for about 10 seconds of the California Screaming roller coaster at Disneyland. 5 of those were from the beginning and 5 from somewhere at the very top of the ride. It's not a bad view from the top. I just don't like what has to happen before and after to get there. The second roller coaster was Thunder Mountain. It is a fast moving, completely disorienting, in and out of the dark type ride. YUK! I got to sit with Mike this time, with Mikaela and my friend Robin in front of us on the ride. The brief moments it takes for the ride to get started it isn't to bad. But as I begin to rise out of my seat, a bit of terror came over me. Mikaela is doing the same thing. Her little butt (she's about 8 at the time) is rising out of the seat. As the parent behind her I am helpless to help her little body return to the safety of the seat. I can't move my arms to help her. I couldn't do anything but scream. Robin pushed her down, not once but several time over the coarse of the ride. (Not more than 6 weeks later a child died on that ride.)
So the past year or more has been a real roller coaster ride. The joy of having a new baby is just like that split second when your up on the top of the roller coaster. The ride to get there was not fun, but the bundle of joy that came from it defiantly was worth closing my eyes to get there. The plummet to the bottom of the roller coaster, as we learned she was sick, left my heart in my hands. I couldn't return her little body to safety. But as Robin had pushed Mikaela back to the safety of her seat, so did the doctors and nurses who attended Kamryn on that scary Christmas Eve night.
While the roller coaster ride still continues (life is just that way) there is a constant companion, PRAYER. Robin may not have noticed Mikaela's little behind rising out of the seat, had I not screamed. On this years roller coaster ride God heard the screaming prayers of his daughter and answered. My heart is still in my hands on occasion, but my feet are on the ground.