Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Christmas Eve
This Christmas Eve started out with a few tears. Not tears of sadness
or fear, but tears of joy. The child we almost lost last year was happy
and healthy. She greeted every one she saw with a quiet little "Hi".
As the day progressed and I should have been doing other things, I was
holding her a little more tightly, kissing her face a little more often
and finding joy in the coos and cuddles. It came time for Christmas pizza at our house and Kamryn got to
eat pizza. I was not fearful this year nor was I on guard and watching
her every move. Christmas Eve service was my favorite, this year we
had a 60 second moment of silence. Not a child in that room was
quiet. This brought more joy to my heart than any present, tradition or
decoration could bring. That night a year ago and for many more after that her
sounds were unheard. I could hear my own heart beat and knew that hers
was beating just as it should. On that crazy night last year Kamryn's
feet were cold, it's what finally lead us to take her to the ER. When
I changed her diaper, this time her feet were warm, pink and
perfect, and so is her heart. I know that out there somewhere is a
family who's baby gave their heart to Kamryn. My heart hurts for them,
they are missing the joys of having a new baby open presents, play in
wrapping paper, and suck on a candy cane. Today, I cry because my heart
aches for the them.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Oh, Christmas isn't just a day, it's a frame of ...
Oh, Christmas isn't just a day, it's a frame of mind... Or Heart
Kris Kringle from Miracle on 34th street...
This phrase was never so apparent to me as it is this Christmas. Last year, when we took Kamryn to the hospital that Christmas eve night I fully expected them to diagnose her with a cold and send her home with instructions to watch her closely. Her brother and dad had had colds, she must have gotten it from them. I knew there was a possibly that we might spend the night in the hospital. She was so tiny, and didn't have much reserve to fight a cold. But I fully expected to spend Christmas with my family. As Kamryn turned blue, before my very eyes I began to realize how sick she really was. The Dr. turned her and had her intubated before I could even get to the chair behind me. My question of, "so she is going to be hospitalized right?" was made through a broken, disbelieving heart. How could this be happening? An x-ray to confirm the placement of the intubation tube, revealed it was her heart.
The next day, Christmas, an echo was run and the Drs had more bad news. Kamryn would be transported to Children's Hospital in Seattle where they could better take care of her. While we waited. for the ambulance from Children's to arrive, we hashed out a plan. Mike would go to Grammy's house and be with the kids for Christmas and I would go with Kamryn. I can say at this point I wasn't even thinking about Christmas. All I wanted was to hold all of my children, but I couldn't. It would be 2 long days before I would even see my other kids. Mike spent part of Christmas day with them and came to Seattle with tales of little boys opening gifts.
He returned home for a full Christmas celebration on Tuesday at Grammy's house. Later that day, Mike called me and told me the family would be coming after dinner. He was anxious to get back to the hospital and would be coming earlier. I asked him, "What if you brought Christmas dinner to the hospital?" Dinner was packed up in rubbermaid containers and brought to the hospital. I can tell you it was the BEST Christmas dinner I have ever had. Yes, it was microwaved on paper plates in a hospital waiting room. But we were together. Charlie prayed, I will never forget his words. He prayed for Kamryn's healing, for the glory of God to be revealed, and that her story would be a witness to others of how great our God really is. All of what he prayed for has happened.
Many people have said, "I can't believe this happened on Christmas." To which I've frequently replied. "It's just a day." It's the day we assume we are the magi and give each other gifts. (some if which we can't afford, and shouldn't be buying) We feast on the best and some even try to get along. To prepare we shop till we drop , or drop others. (if your a black Friday customer) We want the best deal, the prettiest wrapping paper, and the tallest tree we can scrunch in the house. Somewhere in the back of our brain we know it's the day our Savior was born. But do we really pay attention? Do we realize that without Him all of this would be just a day?
So I ask you, is your heart in the right place, are you focusing on the true meaning of Christmas? Is Christ the center of your Christmas heart?
Kris Kringle from Miracle on 34th street...
This phrase was never so apparent to me as it is this Christmas. Last year, when we took Kamryn to the hospital that Christmas eve night I fully expected them to diagnose her with a cold and send her home with instructions to watch her closely. Her brother and dad had had colds, she must have gotten it from them. I knew there was a possibly that we might spend the night in the hospital. She was so tiny, and didn't have much reserve to fight a cold. But I fully expected to spend Christmas with my family. As Kamryn turned blue, before my very eyes I began to realize how sick she really was. The Dr. turned her and had her intubated before I could even get to the chair behind me. My question of, "so she is going to be hospitalized right?" was made through a broken, disbelieving heart. How could this be happening? An x-ray to confirm the placement of the intubation tube, revealed it was her heart.
The next day, Christmas, an echo was run and the Drs had more bad news. Kamryn would be transported to Children's Hospital in Seattle where they could better take care of her. While we waited. for the ambulance from Children's to arrive, we hashed out a plan. Mike would go to Grammy's house and be with the kids for Christmas and I would go with Kamryn. I can say at this point I wasn't even thinking about Christmas. All I wanted was to hold all of my children, but I couldn't. It would be 2 long days before I would even see my other kids. Mike spent part of Christmas day with them and came to Seattle with tales of little boys opening gifts.
He returned home for a full Christmas celebration on Tuesday at Grammy's house. Later that day, Mike called me and told me the family would be coming after dinner. He was anxious to get back to the hospital and would be coming earlier. I asked him, "What if you brought Christmas dinner to the hospital?" Dinner was packed up in rubbermaid containers and brought to the hospital. I can tell you it was the BEST Christmas dinner I have ever had. Yes, it was microwaved on paper plates in a hospital waiting room. But we were together. Charlie prayed, I will never forget his words. He prayed for Kamryn's healing, for the glory of God to be revealed, and that her story would be a witness to others of how great our God really is. All of what he prayed for has happened.
Many people have said, "I can't believe this happened on Christmas." To which I've frequently replied. "It's just a day." It's the day we assume we are the magi and give each other gifts. (some if which we can't afford, and shouldn't be buying) We feast on the best and some even try to get along. To prepare we shop till we drop , or drop others. (if your a black Friday customer) We want the best deal, the prettiest wrapping paper, and the tallest tree we can scrunch in the house. Somewhere in the back of our brain we know it's the day our Savior was born. But do we really pay attention? Do we realize that without Him all of this would be just a day?
So I ask you, is your heart in the right place, are you focusing on the true meaning of Christmas? Is Christ the center of your Christmas heart?
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Happy Birthday Kamryn
Yesterday was Kamryn's 1st Birthday. The weekend was filled with preparation for a Celebration that would take place at our church. This Celebration was to thank all the people who have been praying for our sweet baby through her first year. Thank you for all for your love and support.
As I look back on the birth of Kamryn I know God had his hand in her life from the beginning. At 4 lbs 12 oz and 18 inches long she would prove to be a fighter. Who knew that just 14 days after her birth she would be so sick as to need hospitalization. Thank you little Kamryn for teaching me about the power of prayer and a God full of grace that He would allow you to be here to celebrate your 1st Birithday.
As I look back on the birth of Kamryn I know God had his hand in her life from the beginning. At 4 lbs 12 oz and 18 inches long she would prove to be a fighter. Who knew that just 14 days after her birth she would be so sick as to need hospitalization. Thank you little Kamryn for teaching me about the power of prayer and a God full of grace that He would allow you to be here to celebrate your 1st Birithday.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
The roller coaster ride of the year
I HATE roller coasters The up and down and side to side out of control feeling is not for me . I like my feet on the ground. My good friend Robin coaxed me onto two roller coasters. I can say I have probably had my eyes open for about 10 seconds of the California Screaming roller coaster at Disneyland. 5 of those were from the beginning and 5 from somewhere at the very top of the ride. It's not a bad view from the top. I just don't like what has to happen before and after to get there. The second roller coaster was Thunder Mountain. It is a fast moving, completely disorienting, in and out of the dark type ride. YUK! I got to sit with Mike this time, with Mikaela and my friend Robin in front of us on the ride. The brief moments it takes for the ride to get started it isn't to bad. But as I begin to rise out of my seat, a bit of terror came over me. Mikaela is doing the same thing. Her little butt (she's about 8 at the time) is rising out of the seat. As the parent behind her I am helpless to help her little body return to the safety of the seat. I can't move my arms to help her. I couldn't do anything but scream. Robin pushed her down, not once but several time over the coarse of the ride. (Not more than 6 weeks later a child died on that ride.)
So the past year or more has been a real roller coaster ride. The joy of having a new baby is just like that split second when your up on the top of the roller coaster. The ride to get there was not fun, but the bundle of joy that came from it defiantly was worth closing my eyes to get there. The plummet to the bottom of the roller coaster, as we learned she was sick, left my heart in my hands. I couldn't return her little body to safety. But as Robin had pushed Mikaela back to the safety of her seat, so did the doctors and nurses who attended Kamryn on that scary Christmas Eve night.
While the roller coaster ride still continues (life is just that way) there is a constant companion, PRAYER. Robin may not have noticed Mikaela's little behind rising out of the seat, had I not screamed. On this years roller coaster ride God heard the screaming prayers of his daughter and answered. My heart is still in my hands on occasion, but my feet are on the ground.
So the past year or more has been a real roller coaster ride. The joy of having a new baby is just like that split second when your up on the top of the roller coaster. The ride to get there was not fun, but the bundle of joy that came from it defiantly was worth closing my eyes to get there. The plummet to the bottom of the roller coaster, as we learned she was sick, left my heart in my hands. I couldn't return her little body to safety. But as Robin had pushed Mikaela back to the safety of her seat, so did the doctors and nurses who attended Kamryn on that scary Christmas Eve night.
While the roller coaster ride still continues (life is just that way) there is a constant companion, PRAYER. Robin may not have noticed Mikaela's little behind rising out of the seat, had I not screamed. On this years roller coaster ride God heard the screaming prayers of his daughter and answered. My heart is still in my hands on occasion, but my feet are on the ground.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Thankful for so Much...
Last year at this time we were expecting our 5th child. Nothing was wrong with her, but having children spread out over a 20 year span was overwhelming. We embraced the idea and ran with it, as God intended this little girl to be in our lives. It turns out something was wrong. 14 days after her birth she got sick. To make a long story short, she had a heart condition and would need a heart transplant to live. I knew that even if she didn't survive, the time I spent with her would be the most precious time I could spend with anyone. 9 weeks after her birth she received that heart transplant. Our little girl turns a year in a few weeks. I cry everyday for the loss of the precious miracle that gave our daughter life. God knows what he is doing, His plan is perfect. For that I am Thankful. I am also thankful for all of those wonderful friends who held us up in prayer, gave us just what we needed at the time, and supported the family on the home front. To my husband Mike Aubrey, while this has been what seems to be the struggle of our lives, it is so good to have gone through this with you. My girls, made me proud to be their mother. I have found great strength in them. Thank you Kjerstin Marie Aubrey and Mikaela Rae Aubrey. The boys have been real troopers, they sometimes don't get the attention they need at this point, but I am grateful for their help and love. To Carol Aubrey, Elizabeth Aubrey Dyrdahl, Stephanie Combs and Charlie Combs, thank you for taking care of us all. This has been a long and difficult road, it would have been unbearable without all of you. Thank you mom and dad for giving me the Godly foundation, I would need to get through something so overwhelming.
Today I am grateful to have a happy, healthy family.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Fog, Fear, and Freedom
It is early October, the sun has been shining since early to mid August. Today the fog rolled in and the sun is blocked, the day seems grey and dreary. Sometimes fog come in slowly and other times you wake up to it already surrounding you. Fear is the same way. In the past few weeks I have been privileged to be apart of a family who's child received her new heart. Later they would find out the previous diagnosis was wrong. Their child may have another disease to overcome. At the same time I watch, on facebook, the devastating news of a family losing their 4 year old child after a biopsy. Their planned vacation turned into a fearful trip of pain and loss. Another child had a cold that could end her life. With each blog or facebook post I hugged my sweet baby tighter.
Fear begins with, "what if" or "did I". Soon it grabs hold and we can no longer see whats in front of us. I could join this fear. Kamryn has to eventually have a biopsy, her medications are hard on her kidneys, she could get a cold, an infection, a virus, go blind. But I am choosing not to go there. Each day I change, dress, feed, play and hold my sweet baby is a day that I choose not to fear the unknown. Freedom has replaced fear.
This week Kamryn has learned to sign the word more and wave goodbye. Today is her 10 month birthday. The fog is not going to make this a grey day. We choose to have freedom without fear.
Praise the Lord, all you nations;
For great is his love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever.
Fear begins with, "what if" or "did I". Soon it grabs hold and we can no longer see whats in front of us. I could join this fear. Kamryn has to eventually have a biopsy, her medications are hard on her kidneys, she could get a cold, an infection, a virus, go blind. But I am choosing not to go there. Each day I change, dress, feed, play and hold my sweet baby is a day that I choose not to fear the unknown. Freedom has replaced fear.
This week Kamryn has learned to sign the word more and wave goodbye. Today is her 10 month birthday. The fog is not going to make this a grey day. We choose to have freedom without fear.
Psalm 117
Praise the Lord, all you nations;
For great is his love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever.
Praise the Lord.[a]
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